Moving ahead often means leaving certain things and people behind.
Life often propels us into situations when we finally make the choice where the things that once worked just no longer work anymore.
Sometimes we are able to cry through the pain, sometimes we just dismiss it, disassociate from it or even barge through it like a bull in a china shop.
Sometimes we move through in fear and anger unable to cry and when we finally find the strength to gather the pieces together again we simply move into the next moment.
Deepak Chopra says." Whatever relationship you have attracted into your life at any given time are the relationships you need to be in at the time"
So why had I revisited this old relationship?
I had not learnt to make a decision once, make it right and make it final. I kept repeating the same patterns over and over again, such needless repeats and expenditure of energy I could well have done to conserve.
The truth hurts and often alienates, but there comes a time when you have to tell it like it really is and accept the consequences. Calling a spade a spade.
I had for too long said what everyone else wanted to hear to afraid to express my own opinion for fear of criticism and rejection. I had indulged in emotional dishonesty.
I believed I didn't have the right anyway. I had lost my own voice.
It felt like I had spent half my life time straightening out constant mess, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, damaged egos and when I was not being treated fairly I was too afraid to speak up.
My lust for recognition and approval brought destruction upon myself. I didn't understand I had options at my disposal, but I couldn't pick anything up with my hands so filled with unnecessary baggage
I had held onto the familiar even when it wasn't working anymore, old dead relationships, sentimental about people who were not sentimental about me.
I needed to learn to loose the weight of the world; the cloying relationships and obligations that clung to me like second hand smoke, causing me choke and suffocate.
I was emotionally, physically and spiritually bankrupt dealing with too needy people holding out for more, making me feel obligated and guilty at the expense of making others feel great and not myself first.
It was time to relinquish the need to be needed, acknowledging that there is a difference between helping and carrying others.
The fear of rejection and criticism imprisoned my common sense.
"What would people think of me?" " What will they say about me?"But, it was a matter of survival and some relationships needed leaving behind despite the criticism from those who were jealous, petty or angry by the termination.
Yet I didn't know how to just walk away, I was living in stalemate; locked in pent up silent frustration.
The choice was mine I knew. I could decide what I allowed to cling to m soul or what I would strip away.
Fear was the reason I couldn't let go.
Fear only served to cripple my creativity, it diminished my self image and it crept into my life leaving me impotent to preform.
Fear sneered at me in the mirror in the mornings, " you could have done better".
Fear manifested in my need to make people know who I really was, and what I had done because I feared I would be overlooked, or not measure up.
Fear affected my character, and caused me to do devious dishonorable things in order to climb ladders that were not even worth climbing.
Fear hide in my motives draping itself in over protectiveness and anger, it fed my mind and weighed me down with the responsibility that I had to look out for myself, protect myself and defend myself continuously living in a war zone.
The nagging insecurity, that won't make it, or ever be quite good enough to make a change, a constant ring in my ears.
Fear screamed so loudly in my ears that al I could hear was, " there is no way you're going to make it girl, so quit while you are ahead".
This immediately dented my armour and undermined my effectiveness.
Fear is fertilized by words, but it's not the words of others that leave you trembling or intimidated,no, it's the words that you say to yourself.
So how did I begin to sort through my relationships and relinquish the hindrances that clung to me like the briars on my clothes?
By making hard choices and looking fear in the face.
"The power of a man lies in the ability to make a decision and stick to it, no matter what the circumstances around him dictate or the mood in which the decision was made has left him"
I needed to acknowledge my fears, bring them out into the light and expose them for what they were.
I had to break the self deception, admit that the relationships were not working, and swallow my pride with a tall glass of realism.
I had to learn to honor myself first.
Now was the time to get control over my life and stop allowing other peoples feelings to manipulate my decisions. All the helping I had done had hurt me, almost killing me because I didn't know when to say,
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I had lived for others and their causes making my own needs and presence secondary pursuits and sadly I had placed myself so far on the back burner that my dreams had boiled out and left only a parched pot. I had not taken the time to direct inward, or to affirm my own sense of personhood and self-development. I had instead allowed everyone's plight to become more important than my own.
And now this was a blaring clarion call to recognize my strengths before I became lost in a perpetual state of being cheerleader for everyone else and never myself.
It is amazing what can be done with the left over moments of bad experiences.
If we stay mired in the muddy pit of self-defeat, guilt and shame over our past and wrong choices, we will never experience the freedom to restore our trajectory to our destiny's flight plan. You will never soar when you are too busy wallowing in self pity and blame shifting.
It is about assessing our habits from the past and determining to change and mould them. pledging to survive to ruse up and learn from the circumstances.
It is not always easy to see the bigger picture amidst the defeats, betrayals, disappointments and not just the immediate thumbs hangnail in front of your eyes. Gratitude is a sure antidote to self pity.
We will inevitably face failure, betray and the temptation to give up on our dreams and settle for a dreary existence of compromise. It is not time to indulge in neither the expensive art of depression nor the drunken stupor of denial.
So it was time to stand up to the music, face the band and decide what I have left after the mistakes I had made. Make the best decisions I could with the choices I had left and keep moving forward.