THE UN-MOTHERED CHILD

I have been an un- mothered child, I have been abandoned, rejected, abused and neglected, but the most important thing about the un-mothered child is that they have an internal light that will never go out!

Any kind of wood that is half burnt always has a spark ember that can be fanned by a very small wind into a gigantic flame.
Surviving is not enough, we must learn to thrive and this is what the little flame is about, fanning that flame into something that is sturdy and doesn't waiver when someone looks at us funny, or disapproves of us, or gets angry with us, so that the flame burns brightly.

One of the signs of the un-mothered/abandoned  child is a syndrome called COLLAPSING, this is when someone gets angry with you or acts in a way that is quite negative; instead of remaining as an adult with adult responses, one goes into a psychic  regression and gets hooked on very old feelings.  Feelings of worthlessness, feelings of being unprotected, neglected, rejected and feelings of wishing to die in order to avoid the incredible pain and separation that one feels.

Collapsing is were, instead of staying adult, in the moment, in the present, one goes on an instantaneous journey into the horrors of the past and reacts from that particular place.

My husband travels a lot for work overseas and each time he leaves I find myself slipping into major depression, instead of seeing it as an adult, that he is working hard to provide for his family, that he will be home again soon, I find myself collapsing and all the old feelings of abandonment, neglect and rejection re surface .
Collapsing causes the internal flame to waiver and splutter.  One can rehash all the past horrors, recall all the name throwing, the violence, the abuse, but that won't keep the flame burning bright and strong.

What will, is the tender or the keeper of that flame.  The mother, the internal mother not an external mother.  If your external mother, as mine had done and my foster mother, failed you chances are if she has failed you once she is not going to change to fulfill you now!

So, we have to grow an internal mother, and if things had happened, as they should have, properly when you were a child, your internal mother would be all grown within you already.
But, as it is, she is probably a very young mother, who doesn't know quite what to do, just like a first time young mum.

I have been told a psychic  secret, " In order to grow the internal mother you have to be willing to be decent and good to yourself."


The more you are willing to accept self love and self respect, not just whether you are tall or short, thin or fat, have a large nose or sticky out ears and standuppy hair, it has nothing to do with any of that.  It has to do with caring, a genuine caring about the things that you are. That is what develops the internal mother, when you are willing to accept your own self love, regard and respect for yourself.

Many woman who have this tragic sense of being un-mothered is a remnant or sometimes a memory as close as yesterday often feel they are searching for love. They feel that if they were just loved enough everything would be so much better.
Oh how I know this feeling, the nights that I have stood outside in the darkness yelling at the stars, the moon, the universe, "Please, just send someone to love me enough to make it all go away and to make me feel whole again".

This is not the case!!! You can have love till its coming out your ears and it won't work and the reason is what children need is NOT  a slavish love, a, " I love you, I love you" whatever you do I love you" kind of love.
To do that to a child is to make them into a little beast who thinks the world revolves around them and so, even though we think this is what we need and want it won't keep that flame from wavering.

AND SO THE AAAAAHHHHAH MOMENT......

What will, is to have GUIDANCE, the guidance of intuition, consciousness, common sense.
Consciously knowing what were made of, capable of, what our good points are, what our bad points are and guiding ourselves through life with that knowledge.

THAT IS THE DEEPEST INTERNAL MOTHERING THAT YOU CAN EVER HAVE AND GIVE TO YOURSELF.

If you were an un-mothered child that is what was missing in your upbringing.  GUIDANCE.
No matter what has happened to you, that light still lives inside of you.  The internal mother then loves by guidance; loves by bringing consciousness out of the darkness.

When we are young children we have to  confront some of the darker sides of human nature.  In a normal family that is supposed to come from OUTSIDE the family, the biting, the pulling of hair, the not sharing, we experience when at play school however in families were things go wrong, the biting, the hitting, the name calling is right INSIDE the home.  Whether it be the mother/father or one or the other doing the hurting a child never really learns about light and guidance;  instead DEFENSIVENESS which serves them much later on in life as adults.

They become highly intuitive because they have suffered so much they have developed radar to know when the next kick or hit is coming from, and so as adults they are very, very alert and often uncannily so and they can often tell good and bad things about people.  However the only problem is they often override their intuition, for the need to be loved.

Neglect is a totally different kind of feeling in a child, if it is ongoing and long enough they become despairing, melancholic.  Neglect is when a mother doesn't pay attention to her child's needs.
For example a mother feeding her baby a bottle without holding it close to her, cuddling it, ensuring her baby feels protected,  or containing her baby but prop feeds whilst her baby hangs off her lap.

Once a child has been misused all kinds of negative and dark thoughts have been interjected into their psych, like a hypodermic needle filled with junk, thoughts, feelings that are introduced into your body without your permission but quickly and somewhat unconsciously, and they become part of you and take over just like a chemical. It makes you feel and act certain ways that are not necessary part of your conscious volition.  These thoughts in the psych are threatened by light, they are anti health and you can be loved all you want but still have negative dark thoughts about yourself however, when you receive TRUE GUIDANCE  where you either set your mind to giving yourself good guidance or you receive it from outside from someone you trust you begin to incorporate that into you psych and it is then very hard for those dark thoughts to continue.  Often when we start thinking about the past and  we seem to do this when we have dark thoughts and can't see our way clear through the darkness we slip and slide all over the place.

Intuition the "Oh Aahah" is the time to do inner work when you feel good rather than when you are feeling awful and dark.

TO BE CONTINUED...... Love Mel xx

IN PURSUIT OF A DREAM

When I wake up in the mornings the first thing I see in big bold pink letters in a beautiful wall decal, is the word DREAM.
If you are anything like me, you love to dream, or perhaps daydream?
There is a distinct difference between having a clear dream and daydreaming.  I like to daydream and wander off in my mind to exotic places, doing daring things, meeting outlandish people, but in reality it is only a day dream.  Day dreaming I think is good for the soul, when we are stressed, under pressure, exhausted, I find I like to go to my special place that I day dream about and wallow in the tranquility of my day dream place where no one else can go or disturb me.
BUT..............
We all need to have a DREAM.  A clear, precise, written down, mapped out DREAM.
The bible says " That without a vision a man will perish"
We need a DREAM to keep us motivated, energized, moving forward, a dream that will challenge us, enlarge us, stretch us, teach us and enlighten us.
We need a DREAM to get out of bed in the mornings and embrace our DREAM passionately and excitedly, opening our hearts and minds to new possibilities and new lessons.

I am reminded of the movie Pretty Woman and how it starts with this guy shouting at the top of his lungs, " WHATS YOUR DREAM? and we laugh thinking he is a little doolally in the head, after all who goes around shouting at the top of their voice to no one in particular, WHATS YOUR DREAM?

Well I am, Im shouting to you at the top of my voice,

WHAT IS YOUR DREAM?  Is it some airy fairy thought that pops up in your mind every now and then whispering " I must pursue this", " I really ought to get on with this" " I should start doing this"
but you never do because there is NO REAL COMMITMENT TO YOUR DREAM and your life is filled with must, ought & should. Or, you sadly have no dream at all and you just exist each day, pay cheque to pay cheque day after day doing the same thing getting the same results and stuck in a rut not moving anywhere with your life.

SO WHAT REALLY IS TRUE COMMITMENT? we use the word quite flippantly without giving it  the respect it deserves.
Let me tell you a little story about what commitment really means.

A father of a young family has a very serious car accident and desperately needs blood.
The only one in his family with his blood type is his little girl who is too young to really understand what it all means.  Her mother sits her on her laps and explains to her that daddy needs some of her blood in order for him to get better and would it be okay if they took some of her blood to help her daddy to live.
The little girl nods not fully understanding the implications, tears running down her face.
Mummy then goes on to explain that the doctor is going to give her something to make her sleep so that they can take some of her blood.  This had been decided so that she wouldn't feel overwhelmed and frightened by the procedure.
The little girl agrees to go ahead and give her daddy her blood so that he can get better.
A wee while later the little girl wakes up, and looks at her mummy and says, " I thought I was going to go to Jesus in heaven because I gave daddy my blood"
THIS IS THE TRUE MEANING OF COMMITMENT, this little girl was prepared to give her life in order to save her daddy.

HOW COMMITTED TO YOUR DREAM ARE YOU REALLY?


When one has a dream it becomes a true focus.  In order for our dreams to reach fruition we need to give our dream true commitment.  We can't possibly pursue our dream with a half hearted attitude, or put it on the shelf and pull it down every now and then when we feel like it.
To really pursue your dream and see the results one has to go the extra mile, do the hard work, put in the hours, sacrifice, make choices, and keep on going even when it seems tough and at times down right impossible. It means to get up off the floor when you have fallen over exhausted & defeated ready to try again and again if you have to. To really pursue your dream you have to believe in yourself and in your ability. One has to ooze confidence even when we feel as though we are shaking in our boots.

Champions are made not born, they go that extra mile when everyone else has quit for the day.

I think most of us tend to have a too casual attitude towards our dream, the reason is we are TOO COMFORTABLE.  If you are really serious about your dream, life WILL propel you forward and you will find yourself outside of your comfort zone, and this is good, because it is stretching you, teaching you, however if you remain in your comfort zone, you will be robbed of these experiences.

We often don't pursue our dreams for the mentality of " It's too hard,  Ah its just a dream, I could never really do it" " I don't have the money to follow my dream, or "I don't have the time"

They are just excuses.
Do you know what an excuse is?  It is like an arse hole, it only stinks when you use it!! ( I have to be blunt here!!)
 If you have a dream that is truly etched on your very soul you will make the time,  it will become more than just a daydream, it will become a reality.  The universe will bring the right people along your path to help you fulfill your dream, opportunities will arise, money will become available WHEN and IF you discard of the defeatist mentality and take your dream seriously with TRUE COMMITMENT.

My challenge to you this week is to define what your dream is.  Write it down and map it out.  Write down the reasons ( excuses ) why up until this point you have not really pursued your dream and then next to it write down all the reasons why you can.
I then want you to MAKE A COMMITMENT to your dream and sign and date it.  Put it up on your wall were you can see it every day and affirm it.
Then start believing in yourself, and living your dream.  It may mean making some radical changes in your life, taking your hands out of the too many cookie jars and just focusing on the one.
It may mean risking ridicule or negative comments from other people, but remember those people are people who don't have a dream, it is easier for them to knock those who do because they fear their own inadequacy.  You may need to remove some of these people from your life.
You will need to do what you need to do and sometimes radically in order to begin your journey of your pursuit of your dream.

The choice is yours, HOW DESPERATELY DO YOU WANT TO LIVE YOUR DREAM?

Love Mel x

YOU'VE GOTTA HAVE MOJO BABY!

YOU'VE GOTTA HAVE MOJO BABY!!

I never thought I would be saying this, I think I'm having a mid life crisis. 

Now, I am not looking for a toy boy to play with, neither am I rushing out to upgrade my car for a spunky convertible, or walking around like mutton dressed as lamb, but I have been feeling a little lost. My boys have flown the nest and I find myself experiencing " the empty nest syndrome" first hand. My laundry basket is no longer filled with smelling dirty washing, there are no engine parts spread all over my lounge carpet, my grocery cupboards always seem full and if I listen carefully I can still hear the sound of their child like laughter locked in the walls of our house.

 I miss them, and letting them go in search of their own lives, fulfilling their own dreams and finding love from another woman other than me is some days unbearable. Many no doubt, would say, " I wish mine were all grown up, independent and out of the house" Yes, I said that too, and often to them. " I can't wait for the day you leave home!" It arrived before I knew it, all too soon,  and days that were filled with nurturing, nagging, yelling, begging, threatening, laughing, crying, moaning about their huge amount of washing, using all my powers of persuasion to get them to clean their rooms or I would throw it all away, have gone and all I am left with is a very quiet empty house, where everything is tidy, in its place and my laundry basket no longer overflows and the spare beds are empty~

I feel as though I am no longer needed or wanted and one morning this year I woke up and found myself asking the question, " What is the point of my life?' Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to die but I feel as though I have lost myself. Or have I really truly known myself at all?

My life has been so filled with raising children, working, digging around in my past trying to understand the person I am right now, and quite frankly is a little creepy and even voyeuristic and I'm sick of it. I have always kept busy to prevent the lurking unanswered question of " Who am I and what is my purpose in life, other than to be needed, in order to feel loved"

Prior to my husband and I moving to Waiheke Island which is a remote island, a forty minute ferry ride from the main Island of Auckland, I lived a very hectic, stressful life, so much so that I ended up having a breakdown from the stresses to the point that I am no longer allowed to work full time.

For over ten years I have worked in the car industry, this is a very stressful industry filled with targets, challenges, goals, and egotistical sales men who are led around by their dicks and not their brains!

Being a business and finance manager required a lot of responsibility and to put it simply the buck literally stop at my office door. In order to survive in this industry and culture I had to grow balls and learn to speak their language. All three of my boys were living with us before we moved, so you can imagine, a full day of work and long hours plus I would have to work weekends and often not get home until 7 pm to find mounds of washing waiting to be done, dinner to be cooked, lunches to be made for the next day, ironing reaching out to me whenever I walked past the pile......and four cats meowing at me to be fed. There were days, moments that all I wanted to do was scream, " fuck off and leave me alone I am tired, beyond tired, sleep defies my tiredness" and now, what I would give for one of those days! 

But.....I am in the place right now where I am meant to be, learning what I am meant to be learning. 

I am now faced with silence, emptiness, I am faced with ME!

I have always been thin, in fact I have sadly to say been anorexic. As a young girl and as a woman during my years of abuse my weight was the only thing I could control. And control  it I did!

Since moving to Waiheke over the past year I have gained weight, in fact I'm sure it finds me , looks at me like a long lost friend and holds on for dear life. Most woman my age, 48 call it " Middle age spread" doesn't that just sound awful, but its true,.

My butt arrives half an hour after I have, my boobs ( I never used to have any really ) are now full and voluptuous, I have a cleavage! Those suck in my gut panties that come up to ones arm pits and ends at ones knees are hopeless all it does is shift the fat downwards leaving horrible looking dimples around the elastic!!!! I've given up holding my breath and sucking in my stomach, and I am exhausted at standing in front of the mirror continuously berating myself,  "Look at you Melanie, you are so fat, ugly, no one will look twice at you, being fat makes you unlovable!" I have tried every diet, drunk enough shakes to last me a life time and I still don't look like a celebrity despite it being called " The celebrity diet"

I have spent the past year on my own a lot. From being in busy Auckland I found myself isolated, and no longer wanted to go out or make friends. I would sleep the afternoons away, longing for sleeping tablets just to pass the day away. My crafting, sewing, became a chore, a means to an end, I desperately wanted it to work, it had cost us a lot of money investing in importing the Shweshwe fabric from South Africa, designing patterns, making samples, setting up websites, accountants, business plans, costing etc and it failed.

My husband never fails to remind me of how much it has cost us, or rather him and so I have retreated into my shell, afraid to try again in case I fail, afraid to spend money in case I'm accused of being irresponsible and " not getting" the financial situation of living on one income. 

So, my self confidence was at zero, my self image non existent and my passion for life, the vibrancy, the heart beat and fire I used to feel each morning was gone, and I felt as though I had no reason to get up in the mornings, except of course to meet my husbands needs of ironing his shirt, making his coffee, making his lunch for work, taxing him to the ferry, and then when I got home, there was nothing.

A book was referred to me by a face book friend, called "My bum looks brilliant in this" an excellent book that has started to challenge me and my thinking.

The Law of Cumulative, which applies to every area of our lives is : the more you do of what you are doing the more you will have of what you've got", so with my weight on an upward trend and doing nothing about it I have had to accept that if I didn't start doing something about it, I would keep gaining weight or,  I could make a major shift in my thinking and behavior.

The big question I have had to ask myself is " what is the state of my life right now" 

Karen Nimmo the author of this book says, " a woman's weight is inextricably linked to the state of her life" and that is why you can not throw a diet and an exercise regime at a woman and expect it to work. It won't. If it does, it is short term, you lose the weight and before you know it, wallah its back!

A lot of the time it has to do with events or people in her past that she is unconsciously holding on to.

Who are you Melanie? Who do you want to be?, this is where I have had to start, with me the woman and with the vision of myself. If I don't know who I am and what I want from my life, no one can help me get there. If you don't know and understand those things about yourself, you're stuck, in all aspects of your life. I never really addressed these questions in the past, because I thought I knew who I was, it was obvious, a wife, a mother, I had a career, I was the cook, the cleaner, of course I knew who I was and my purpose in life.......to clean the toilets, wipe snotty noses, meet my husbands needs and when I had a free mo, do something for myself.

So, its taken me awhile to get to the point, hasn't it? I really don't like myself at all and my weight gain over the past year is just a physical expression of the problem. It is about the state of my life, my past, my present, and my future. Ah-ah!

Don't get me wrong, diets do work, ( my favorite being, lose weight while you sleep diet! ) and are useful because they provide us with some structure, sensible advice and encouragement. But controlling your food intake is only part of the solution. I realized that  unless I began to deal with my issues, stresses in my life, and make some changes to my thinking and my behavior, I might as well hit the fridge!

I have been challenged to have an accurate baseline of why I am carrying excess weight, why I have gained weight and continuing to do so, and why I am struggling to lose it. 

But, not so much an inventory of what I am eating but more of an inventory of who I am, what has happened in my life and what's going on RIGHT NOW.

Have you any idea after years of having a fabulous body even after three kids, 3 cesareans, a hysterectomy it has been to look in the mirror and ask myself honestly, " Can I live with what I am now?" Can I achieve happiness the way I am now?"

WHO AM I?

WHAT DO I LOVE TO DO?

WHAT AM I GOOD AT? ( besides cleaning the toilet!)

HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT MY LIFE RIGHT NOW?

WHEW!!!!

I sadly realized I had lost my vision, my passion, my purpose, even my energy and will to carry on.

This has shook me to my core.....

I have therefore made the commitment to myself, to change my behavior, answer the above questions truthfully and do something about it. My children will always be there, but they are living their lives now and so must I, PASSIONATELY, WITH VISION, ENTHUSIASM, WILL, DRIVE, LOVE, AND SELF ACCEPTANCE, SELF BELIEF AND SELF CONFIDENCE.

I want to be able to look in the mirror and smile at myself and say " Melanie, you are gorgeous, beautiful, desirable, and I love you just the way you are!

I have begun a new business called NAUGHTY BY NATURE, feel free to pop over to my face book page and read about it. I am designing and making a range of woman's Lingerie made from the authentic, beautiful Bamboo Fabric. I feel more alive, I have a goal, a vision, something to get up for in the morning, other than for my husband, and even if all goes well, a legacy to leave my boys!!

Lots of love, and thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to read my blog.

A few pic's of my gorgeous body, my first sample of my french knickers and Camisole ( although not made in the Bamboo fabric as yet, still waiting on it to arrive!)

Love

Melanie xx

WHEN LIFE KICKS YOU IN THE GUT AND YOU ARE LEFT FEELING HELPLESS, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE TO GET UP OR STAY DOWN!

" When you meet your antagonist do everything in a mild and agreeable manner.

Let your courage be as keen, but at the same time as polished, as your sword."

Richard Brinsley Sheridan

    My youthful sprit was captured and restrained during a time in my life that was meant to be the unfolding of my youth.

      George Orwell gives voice to the totalitarian mind in the novel 1984

"We are not content with negative obedience, nor even with the most abject submission.

When you finally surrender to us, it must be of your own free will.

We do not destroy the heretic because she resists us; so long as she resists us we never destroy.

We convert her, we capture her inner mind, we reshape her, we turn all evil and all illusion out of  her, we bring her over to our side, not in appearance but genuinely; heart and soul"

My foster fathers goal was the enslavement of me and he accomplished this by exercising despotic control over every aspect of my life.

       His ultimate goal was the creation of a willing victim. Simple compliance rarely satisfied him as I had to prove complete obedience and loyalty by sacrificing all other relationships, he sought to isolate me from alternative sources of emotional support because as long as I maintained any other human connection his power was limited.

      As I  became isolated I became dependent on him, not only for survival but also for emotional sustenance.  The more frightened I was the more I was tempted to cling to the one relationship that was permitted, and in the absence of any other viewpoint I entered the danger zone of seeing the world through his eyes.

     The predator is contemptuous of those who try to understand him.  He doesn't perceive that anything is wrong with him, so he, almost never seeks help.  He is an authoritarian, secretive and sometimes grandiose and even paranoid.  He is exquisitely sensitive to the realities of power and to social norms and he searches out situations where his tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned and even admired.

    The church is often a good hiding place, his demeanor providing an excellent camouflage.  Few people believe that extraordinary crimes can be committed by a man of such conventional appearance.

     In 1978 my foster parents decided to move to the north of Pretoria to a little african town called Hammanskraal  to join a missionary organization called  Youth with a Mission. 

      My foster sister was nursing in Durban and my foster brother was in boarding school, it was just me and them cosily ensconced on a little farm off the missionary campus.  This farm came with endless gates as they do, not that we had anything to keep in, mind you, but the gates nevertheless had to be kept closed at all times.

      One particular saturday evening when both my foster sister and brother were home for the weekend my foster parents were attending a pray meeting.  Glad of the respite for a couple of hours, we settled down for a quiet evening of a game of Risk.

       Much later, after we'd gone to bed they arrived home late, discovering on the way that one of the gates had been left open.

       I hadn't as yet fallen asleep, though I always slept lightly anyway, mentally always on guard.  My foster father stormed into my room, banging open the door with such ferocity  I thought it would come off its hinges.  I quickly sat up in bed, clutching at my bed clothes.  Seeing his face, contorted in rage and made even more twisted by the candlelight I searched my mind for possible errors that could invoke such anger in him.

      I never had the chance to ask.  He hauled me out of my bed by hair and punched me on the side of my face causing my nose to bleed.  It was broken.  As I hunched over, my arms crossed over my head to shield myself from more blows, cowering like a dog he pushed me to the floor and continuously kicked me in the stomach until I lay unconscious, a heap of brokenness on the floor.

    Bystander apathy was the only help I got, unmoved my foster mother and foster brother stood by watching this display of uncontrollable rage,  the dogs slunk away whimpering.

     My foster sister took immediate action.  Wrapping me up in a blanket she half dragged me to her VW Golf and we left.

    For two days I was nursed, drugged and prayed for short of the sprinkling of holy water.  I looked like someone had picked me up and snapped me in half draining all my energy and life force out.  My stomach was bruised, I had a broken rib, my eyes were swollen and black and my nose broken.

   When you are hurting deeply, you go inward, endorphins kick in, the body's natural morphine, carrying you somewhere far away where the pain can't find you.  Oblivion.

   I finally began to slowly mend. However I was admonished by the leaders of the missionary organization to seek his forgiveness since this was the spiritual thing to do for igniting his anger.

    Have you any idea how hard it might be to ask for forgiveness from a man who has beaten you unconscious?

     These " Christians" totally diminished the reality of the assault.  They did not protect me or take me seriously, instead they convinced me  I was to blame and I was put into the humiliating position of being manipulated into asking for forgiveness.  Thus in my mind they colluded in my abuse.

   And so, bruised, swollen -eyed, I left my bed in search of the spiritual hero who had been brainwashed to believe literally that to spare the rod is to spoil the child.

   I found my foster father strutting arrogantly in the corridor, scratching his bum.  I reached out towards him, mindful of which hand I took, and solemnly declared, " Please forgive me for causing you to be angry with me, I realize that this was my fault by leaving the gate open and that I deserved the punishment I received"   Abruptly he pushed me aside, with no acknowledgement of my apology and left me standing there, humiliated and ashamed.

   An outpouring of hatred towards this man became a tide and it now threatened to surge back against me.   If his goal had been to crush my spirit then he had succeeded.  

  Its wrong to think that spectacular courage is the best bravery.  The noblest bravery is battling against dreadful daily assaults on ones spirit, mind and body knowing  there would be no rescue.

My foster father now had the endorsement of his church as long as appearances were maintained for the comfort of his "Christian society"

WHEN LIFE KICKS YOU IN THE GUT AND YOU ARE LEFT FEELING HELPLESS, BRUISED, HURTING AND WITH NO SUPPORT, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE TO EITHER GET UP OR LIE IN THE GUTTER IN SELF PITY.  LIFE WILL KEEP MOVING FORWARD WITH OR WITHOUT YOU, AND SOMEHOW WHEN IN THIS PLACE WE HAVE TO DIG DEEP, VERY DEEP AND MOVE BEYOND COURAGE, BEYOND THE PAIN, BEYOND THE ANGER, BEYOND THE HATRED, AND TOUCH A DEPTH WITHIN OURSELVES WE HAVE NEVER REACHED BEFORE AND GET UP IN ALL OUR BROKENNESS AND KEEP MOVING REGARDLESS OF THE INTENSE INJURY.  THERE IS SOMETHING WITHIN YOU, BELIEVE ME. I HAVE TOUCHED IT, HELD IT, FELT IT, EMBRACED IT, THAT YOU WILL NEED TO REACH TO COME THROUGH.  BUT ONLY YOU HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE THAT CHOICE.


Love Mel xx

     

THE FIRST GREAT LESSON TO LEARN IN LIFE IS THAT WINTER WILL ALWAYS COME.

Winter, like spring, is a season which can make its brief appearance during any season, as a brief reminder of its ultimate power.
In mid-summer while we consciously tend our carefully planted crops, winter can momentarily descend upon us as if threatening to take away the fruits of our efforts.
Winter can make its appearance during the season of opportunity - the spring - and if we do not quickly respond to cancel its potentially devastating effect, the season of opportunity will be taken from us by one of the storms of life, leaving us with yet another full year of waiting.
Winter can prematurely appear during the season of harvest - the fall - just as we are about to reap the rewards of our hard work, and leave us with crops - or results - which are of little value.

THE FIRST GREAT LESSON OF LIFE TO LEARN IS THAT WINTER WILL ALWAYS COME!

Not only the winter of cold, and wind, and ice, and snow, but the human winters of despair and loneliness, or disappointment, or tragedy.
It is in the winter when we feel our prayers go unanswered or when the acts of our children leave us shaken and stunned. It is winter when the economy turns against us, or when creditors come after us.

WINTER COMES IN MANY FORMS, AND AT ANY TIME,  both to the planter of crops as well as to the person in business, or even to our personal lives.

THE ARRIVAL OF WINTER FINDS US IN ONE OF TWO CATEGORIES: EITHER WE ARE PREPARED OR WE ARE UNPREPARED.


For those of us who are prepared, who have planted abundantly in the spring, guarded our crops carefully during the summer, and harvested massively during the fall, winter can be yet another season of opportunity.
It can be a time of reading, a time of planning, a time for gathering our strength for the coming spring, and a time for taking comfortable shelter in our warm homes.  It can be a time of great enjoyment, a time to be shared with those we love an with those with whom we have worked so hard.  It is a time of thanksgiving, a time for the sharing of life's bounteous gifts.
Winter is a time for being grateful, both for what we have, as well as for what we can yet achieve.
Winter is a time for rest, but not excessive rest.  It is a time to enjoy the fruits of our labors, but not a time for gluttony.  It is a time for warm conversations, but not a time for gossip.  it is a time of gratitude, but not a time for complacency.  it is a time to be proud, but not a time to be egotistical.

What we do with our time, with ourselves, with our friends, and with our attitudes during the season of winter determines what we will do with the coming spring.
WE ARE MEANT TO CONSTANTLY IMPROVE OUR CONDITIONS, OURSELVES, AND OUR RESULTS.  We either improve, or we regress, for never do we remain the same.


IT IS A BASIC HUMAN LAW OF LIFE THAT DEMANDS EITHER HUMAN PROGRESSION OR HUMAN REGRESSION.


For those of us who are prepared for winter's arrival, we need to use the winter as we would the spring, to take advantage.  It is a time of being in the MEANTIME.... a time of preparation.




To those who are unprepared, the arrival of winter is a time for regret and a time of sorrow.  Having lacked the willingness to pay the pain of earlier discipline, we now pay the heavier pain of regret!
Regret is an empty storehouse and an empty kitchen when coming fall is yet a full year away.
Even with the arrival of spring, our efforts will be expended with an empty stomach and an empty purse.
And so we COMPLAIN, AND COMPLAIN, and tell everyone how broke we are, how we need this and that but can't afford it.
Winter's arrival for the unprepared is full of horror and uncertainty.  Love and harmony give way to accusations, anger and blame.


Throughout all the seasons of the year, winter can touch our lives in may small ways......testing us, and providing us with subtle reminders of the plight of those whose lives are surrounded by winter.
Winter can be a lost opportunity, or the loss of love.  A winter is when a trusted friend gives you cause for disappointment, or when expected business goes to a competitor.
A frigid blast from the cold, harsh words of someone you love is winter, and so is the pessimism or cynicism from someone whose advice and counsel you seek.

The major challenge confronting those surrounded by winter is to not let it affect the arrival of spring, and our ability to recognize that arrival.
Much of life is learning to always remain part of the solution rather than allowing ourselves to become part of the problem!

If you find yourself without love, money or employment, it is a winter, and its very appearance is because you've missed a springtime somewhere.  Neglect is always costly, and winter is merely a circumstance, and effect brought on by some earlier cause.
Dwelling upon the severity of your personal winter merely makes the winter more difficult to endure.
 
THIS IS THE TIME TO SEARCH THE INNER CONFINES OF YOUR MIND AND YOUR SOUL FOR THE PURPOSE OF DISCOVERING THE REAL CAUSE WITHIN YOU.


Adversity I have found is seldom attributable to some one, or some thing outside of ourselves.
To blame outside influences for the circumstance of winter is a convenient excuse for misplacing responsibility.
It is a normal human tendency to place blame for our winter of life on someone else, which is why most of these people reap the result of mediocrity that accompanies such behavior.


WHEN WE BLAME OTHERS WE GIVE THEM THE CONTROL!


In order for things or circumstances to change, our attitudes, opinions, and habits must change.

Let winter find you planning for the arrival of spring, not contemplating the errors of commission and omission of last year!
Let winter find you with a joyful countenance and a happy heart...with a good word for all those around you, with  confidence in the future, not apprehension; with appreciation of the past, not regret and finally, with gratitude for your achievements, adversities, and uncertainties of life, for each is a form of blessing which removes all limitations from the future possibilities of life.

Winter is a time for examining, pondering, and introspection.  it is a time for re-evaluating both purpose and procedure - for rediscovering an often misplaced sense of purpose.  It is a time for finding new ways for solving old dilemmas, and for devising unique plans for contributing to others less fortunate than ourselves.  It is a time for understanding and controlling anger which often causes us to pass judgment without fair deliberation.
It is a time to analyze our fairness and to overcome our tendency to hastily spew forth condemnation with full investigations, for such is the height of arrogance!

Winter is a time for being sincere with ourselves, about ourselves, when the tendency is to fool ourselves.
It is a time for developing new skills that allow us to get along with imperfect people, for even a fool can get along with perfect people.  It is also a time for becoming wise enough to know what to say - as well as to know what to overlook and what not to say.

The wisdom that comes with the careful use of winter teaches us also that evolution is merely revolution at a slower pace, and that constant gradual change is the order of the universe. Only those human attributes of honesty, loyalty, love, and trust in God and our fellow man are meant to remain constant.
Winter is a time for being grateful for our achievements, or for having endured our lack of achievement.

The physical inactive season of WINTER is a time for adding to our storehouse of knowledge through personal development and truth.
With WINTER comes the opportunity to catch up on unkept  promises, and unanswered letters.  it is a time for encouraging our children who are inexperienced and often insecure and for encouraging the old, for because of their experience, are apprehensive of the future.
Let not winter go by without investing much of your time in assuring, teaching and encouraging others.
For in so doing, your reward will be an uplifted confidence in yourself; for the teacher is always the greatest recipient of the lessons he seeks to teach to others!
Let winter find you thinking first of someone else, and appreciating, and being kind, and being gentle..........and by all means, let winter find you laughing more, even though the winds blow cold, and the snows cover the soil which will soon bring new life.

Love Mellie xx

FOR THOSE OF US WHO ARE NOW IN THE SUMMER TIME: A TIME TO PROTECT AND NURTURE.....

The only automatic thing in life is weeds and bugs!
They need not be planted, nor cared for.
Their existence is assumed in that they feed and survive on the good efforts of the industrious.

THE SUMMER OF LIFE, is a time to protect; it is a time for constant daily effort to guard against the busy bugs and the noxious weeds.
The SPRING is a time for the CREATION of things of value, and those things require the season of SUMMER  for GROWING and gaining strength that they might yield their result in the coming fall.

The bugs and weeds of life exist to test our human will to succeed, and the human worthiness for life's rich rewards.

I think it important that we develop an understanding and awareness of the fact that all good will be attacked.  It's nature's way of qualifying those who are worthy and those who are not.
The weeds of life are designed to turn confidence into doubt, trust into suspicion, patience into impatience, and effort into procrastination, worry and eventual defeat.
DO NOT SPEND VALUABLE TIME ARGUING WITH NATURE.

The weeds, bugs, rock and storms of life will all laugh at those who take time to viciously accuse them of being unfair, and how many times I have done this, yelling out at the universe that IT ISN'T FAIR!
Unfair, yes, but often to those who seek something for nothing, or who seek the rewards of life without paying the price of waging war against obstacles by increased activity and determination.

So, spend no time chasing the birds who seek to peck at your seeds, or the bugs who seek to devour your coming harvest.  For those who make diligent efforts to PLANT, PROTECT and PRESERVE there are not enough birds, bugs, or other obstacles to destroy all the efforts of last spring.

It is written that "as you sow, so shall you also reap", but only when you combine the efforts of sowing with the mental effort of believing, and the physical effort of constant attention to those things of VALUE.


Expect adversity, for it shall surely appear.  Be grateful for adversity, for it forces our spirits to grow, for surely, our human character is formed not in the absences of difficulty but in our response to difficulty.


We know that we live in a world of causes and consequences.  The harvest, which is our life as we now live it, is the result of seeds planted ourselves through unbreakable habits.
Others were planted for us by parents, teachers, and other well-meaning, but often misguided people whose own poor thinking habits were passed on to us.  In either case, our current attitude, finances, environment, lifestyle, and our view of our own future possibilities are called circumstances - and to change circumstances, we must change the CAUSE of those circumstances, which is OURSELVES.


We must change our habits, our attitudes, our opinions, and often our occupation, residence, and even friends, if circumstances are ever to change, as hard as it may be.
To accuse others, to feel sorry for ourselves, or to continue rationalizing or making excuses is foolish.
Only a massive, voluntary, and effective assault on changing causes is important.
So it is important then, for us to direct our thought, conversation, and full attention to that  if we wish to change circumstances; concentrate a good share of your time upon self-development by planning more, reading more, and investing more in time worthy projects; invest your thoughts toward a worthy purpose, invest your talents toward a worthy occupation, invest your affection toward a worthy recipient, and finally, reserve your greatest respect for yourself, for it is that image.....what you perceive yourself to be.....that determines the quality of life!! 


Let's face it.......people and events are going to continue to both hurt and disappoint us. Unfortunately among the people will be those you most love, as well as those you least know.  Seldom is it their intent to purposely hurt you, but rather, a variety of situations mostly beyond our control will cause them to act, speak, or think in ways which can have an adverse effect upon us, your present feelings and emotions, and the way your life unfolds.

I personally have found that there is one solution that will support us when people and events hurt us - and that is to learn to work harder on your own personal growth than anything else!!
Since you cannot control the weather, or the traffic, or even the one you love, or your neighbors, or your boss, then you must learn to control YOU, the one whose response to difficulties of life really counts.

It takes hard work, the grunge kind of work, cleaning out the refrigerator, getting rid of that stinking and rotting food that has been hiding in there for ages, now growing mould and infecting the other food.
It takes washing the windows to see out clearly, pulling open the drapes and letting the light in, cleaning out the cupboards of old useless things and making room for new, good, useful things.
It means scrubbing the bath and removing that dirty ring around it that you have been putting off for ages.  It means taking a good hard look at yourself and becoming AWARE.

Do not DOUBT yourself, easier said than done, this is something I continuously struggle with, for where doubt resides, CONFIDENCE cannot!
Do not NEGLECT yourself, for with NEGLECT comes LOSS.  Do not imagine yourself to be less than you are, nor more than you are, but seek always to become all of which you are capable.
Do not allow yourself to become arrogant or discourteous, for both are characteristics adopted by those who seek to cover their weaknesses!!!! And boy, have I seen this.
Do not spend time regretting the past, but invest that time wisely by preparing for a better future.
You know the old saying " you can't cry over spilt milk"  Learn from your mistakes and failures, Learn from your past bad relationships and move forward.

YOU ARE A FERTILE SEED OF THE CREATOR OF ALL THINGS, DESTINED NOT TO LIE DORMANT, BUT TO SPRING FORTH FROM THE SOIIL CALLED LIFE, AND GROW UPWARD TOWARD THE UNLIMITED HORIZONS AND OVERCOMING OBSTACLES IN THE PROCESS.

IT IS YOUR DESTINY TO TAP YOUR TALENTS AND TO ACHIEVE ALL THAT OF WHICH YOU BELIEVE YOURSELF TO BE WORTHY, TO LOVE MORE, ANTICIPATE MORE, OVERCOME MORE, PLAN MORE, ATTRACT MORE, AND TO ENJOY MORE THAN YOU EVER DREAMED POSSIBLE.

YOU ARE DESERVING - YOU ARE BECOMING - AND YOU SHALL SUCCEED is my affirmation even when things look as though it isn't' remember you have planted the seed in the spring and the summer time is the time to NUTURE , GROW AND  LOOK AFTER YOUR SEEDLINGS, then you will reap a bountiful harvest if you have been diligent in what you have sown!!!

Love Mel,

Next posting for those who are in the WINTER.....

THE WOMAN IN MY LIFE.....

PART ONE:

MY MOTHER,

I have a scar on my left hand pinkie, it is the shape of a half circle; and after forty years it still visibly attests to my mothers outbursts of violence.

My nose is broken too, I think it would have been a pretty nose, almost pixie like,  now it is just another visible mark of her cruelty.

The beauty spot I have on my inner thigh is in exactly the same place as the one she had.
I am my mothers daughter.
She is no figment of my imagination, for when you run your fingers through my hair the middle of my scalp have ridges and don't seem to join together properly.
She cracked my skull over the bath, another reminder of a mother who seemed to hate me.

The tears and scars that mark my heart are not visible, but they bleed still - I can almost feel the dripping of the blood with each beat of my heart.

Her gilded hairbrush would sit on her dressing table like trophies of war.  These instruments of beauty have outlived the hands that so frequently wielded them as weapons.
Her wooden coat hangers hung in her cupboard like soldiers on parade, cold, hard and unbending.
They seldom broke, but when they did, they splintered, the shards embedding themselves into my flesh.

I wasn't sure which use of weapon I preferred, the coat hanger or the gilded brush were equally brutal and both left more than just marks on my tender young skin.
They left welts on my very soul.

I know you even wonder if she had a heart beneath her facade.

Her eyes -  lovely brown eyes, dazzle everyone, yet they hold a glimmer of distain and vague amusement.  Sometimes they are dark, and luminous, whose sensuous vulnerability could make a man go weak at the knees.

When she laughs the very sound of it is so intoxicating it could enchant the deaf.

Her elegance sweeps through a room like a breath of fresh air, she looks like the cat that got the cream; but, beware, her claws are poised ready to strike, as is her tongue ready to lash out in the most beguiling of manner that you don't even notice you have been subtly whipped into submission.

When you see her walking down a street, you'll say,  "Now there is a fine looking woman"
Her hair a glorious rich brown with hints of subtle blond running through it, is coiffed to perfection - swept up on the top of her head in a neat chignon.

Her dress is fashionable, it moulds her body that is of medium height, curvy, voluptuous and strong.

The shape of her face is slightly round and full, her chin strong like her nose.
Her neck is long and lovely, her lips always painted ruby red.

Her voice is sweet, yet laced with contempt.

She is hard, cold, soft and warm.
Your adore her and despise her.
You want her, she assails your senses, like an unwanted drug you crave for her attention.

But, you cant have her for she seems immune to love, its as if her heart is full of hardness and chill.

It is.

She thirsted after the need for control, she  abused as though her actions would quench her thirst with each beating she administered.

Yet it was never enough for her.

I lived in constant fear of her, my mother.

She died the kind of death no one ever likes to discuss, it was sudden.
It was dramatic, I felt as though the carpet had been pulled from under me.
It was permanent. When someone dies without warning the ball is hit straight between your eyes.  You don't have time to choose which way to run, all you can do is absorb the shock of impact.

This was no temporary separation with the hope of later reconciliation between us, I couldn't shout out,  "Wait a minute, Im not ready for you to go just yet, I need you, come back" as a result this has become an irrevocable physical fracture.

Every relationship is affected by ambivalence, every mother an amalgam of the good and the bad.
To mourn my mother fully I needed to look back and acknowledge the flip side to her abuse, I couldn't, and unfortunately I only remember my mother as only half of what she was.

My mothers infliction of physical and emotional abuse damaged any sense of self I may have had and my ability to trust, belief in personal safety and perception of the world as a meaningful place.
Mourning the abusive mother is an attempt to take back as much as possible of what was robbed, although it doesn't invalidate the abuse, it doesn't have to be about feeling sad.  It is about LETTING GO, and setting oneself free.

I still today, 35 years after her death cannot think of anything good that came from her, all I know is that my chance for reconciliation also died with her.   There would never be an apology, a reversal  or pay back for the way she treated me; and this dashed potential  is another loss that has had to be acknowledged and mourned.  I still find myself today wanting to scream at her, and tell her how she hurt me and how I never ever felt loved or nurtured by her.    My mother will never be able to say " Im sorry" she will never be able to find a therapist who will help her change.  She will never, in effect, become the mother she never was.
But, she'll also never be physically able to abuse me again.

Yet, there are always cyclical triggers, resurrecting grief responses, sensory reminders that bring up the old feelings again and temporary upsurges of grief.   I can never quite get through mothers day, and sometimes I want to just smash every Hallmark stand I see with cards displaying " To Mum" or when it is her birthday, and I find myself wondering what she would have been like now in her older years, perhaps more mellow, more forgiving, more tolerant, more loving, perhaps not!
Whenever it is my birthday, although my head knows it, my heart subconsciously longs for that phone call, the birthday card, it never comes and never did.
And then there are those subtle triggers, the ones that sidle up to you without warning, emerging from around a corner, tapping you on the shoulder when you thought you had other things on your mind.
For years after her death, I would find myself walking in the street and convinced that I had just seen my mother.  There would be no doubt about it in my mind; thoughts would race through my mind that she faked her death to get away from me and my sisters and there she was in the flesh acting as though we didn't exist, and when I look back searching the crowd for her, and she isn't there, it is scary.

Reaching milestones in my life, my teenage years, graduation, my first boyfriend, my wedding, my first baby, her absence was painfully obvious, I once imagined these occasions and expected her to be there, when she wasn't my assumptions clashed with reality in the most dissonant of ways. I found myself mourning again at each milestone not only what was lost, but what will never be.

My mother never offered protection and support when she was alive and I find I have had to grieve for what I once needed but never had.

Mourning doesn't just end one day and grief wont eventually disappear for good.  I wish it did, for I wouldn't still be mourning for my mother 35 years later at the age of 48!
Full resolution of mourning is a state of consciousness so difficult - if not impossible - to reach, that most of our attempts will inevitably fall short and leave us feeling inept.
Some losses you truly don't get over.  Instead you get around them and past!

I find that grief is something that continues to get reworked and reworked and yes reworked.
The intervals between grief responses lengthen over time, but the longing never goes away.
It seems to always hover at the edge of my awareness, and surfaces at any time, any place in the least expected ways.   This incidentally isn't pathological.  It is normal, and this is why I have found myself at
13, 18, 21, 32, 48 unwrapping a gift, walking across a street, seeing a mother and daughter embrace doubled over and missing my mother because she died when I was 12.

I now find myself in middle age as a result of my mothers death at such an early age longing for the guidance of a more mature, experience woman.  I have missed the passing down of woman-knowledge to know what it is like as an adult woman to go through menopause, and what its like to look back at your life and think about dying.  Of course my mother never got to do that she was 32 when she died.
I find myself now grieving for the knowledge that has never been passed down, that perhaps I could have had.
Our mothers are our most direct connection to our history and our gender.  Regardless of how well or not so well she did her job, the void their absence creates in our lives is never completely filled again.
People kindly say, " well you still have your children, and you have a husband, and you have friends, "  Thats all completely true.  But I still don't have a mother, I still didn't grow up with a mothers love, and all I have ever wanted is my mother.

However, my mothers death basically released me. It meant though that I have had to piece together a female image my own.
As my mothers death was sudden I have lived a life in which I have always felt that calamity might be lurking around every corner, and that some terrible loss might come at any moment for which there is no preparation or defense.  The death of my parents basically sent the message that relationships are impermanent and liable to end at any time an awareness that dramatically shaped my emerging personality as a young adult.

I believe that my mother suffered mental illness and childhood abuse which rendered her as a mother incapable of responding to me her daughter emotionally.
She was physically present, but of no emotional substance like the body of a car with nothing under the hood.  But, as her daughter I kept turning the key in the ignition, hoping that if I did  it just right the motor might start up this time.  The only time she showed any emotion was when she was angry and I would become her punching bag as an outlet for her anger.  From a very early age I really felt that I was on my own.  I couldn't depend on her, and so over the years believed that I couldn't depend on anyone, and attracted emotionally abandoning men into my life.  I have always had to take care of myself, fostering an attitude of I don't need anybody, and I can do everything on my own!

A MAJOR STEP IN MY HEALING PROCESS HAS BEEN TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT MY MOTHER NEVER LOVED ME PROPERLY, INFACT DID NOT LOVE ME ALL.

This acknowledgement has hurt like hell, I have fought against this truth for many, many, years, and have looked under every stone, in every corner, on every shelf, in every cupboard, and with every man, colleagues and friends for that MATERNAL VALIDATION AND APPROVAL that just never came!

FEELING AND TALKING THROUGH THE PAIN, THE HUMILIATION OF BEING AN UNLOVED CHILD, THE ANGER TOWARD MY COLD AND ABUSIVE MOTHER, THE ANXIETY I HAVE CARRIED OF TURNING INTO HER, THE FEAR OF MATERNAL RETRIBUTION FOR HATING HER WILL BECOME MY HEALING SALVE.


But, my God is it hard!  My task is to look at my mother as objectively as I can, choose the memories and traits I want to keep and carry them with me as I move forward with my life. To realize that although I was an abused and abandoned daughter I am never completely abandoned unless I too leave myself behind!

Much love
Mellie xx

TO BE CONTINUED.....MY FOSTER MOTHER.