Wednesday, April 13, 2011


I have been an un- mothered child, I have been abandoned, rejected, abused and neglected, but the most important thing about the un-mothered child is that they have an internal light that will never go out!

Any kind of wood that is half burnt always has a spark ember that can be fanned by a very small wind into a gigantic flame.
Surviving is not enough, we must learn to thrive and this is what the little flame is about, fanning that flame into something that is sturdy and doesn't waiver when someone looks at us funny, or disapproves of us, or gets angry with us, so that the flame burns brightly.

One of the signs of the un-mothered/abandoned  child is a syndrome called COLLAPSING, this is when someone gets angry with you or acts in a way that is quite negative; instead of remaining as an adult with adult responses, one goes into a psychic  regression and gets hooked on very old feelings.  Feelings of worthlessness, feelings of being unprotected, neglected, rejected and feelings of wishing to die in order to avoid the incredible pain and separation that one feels.

Collapsing is were, instead of staying adult, in the moment, in the present, one goes on an instantaneous journey into the horrors of the past and reacts from that particular place.

My husband travels a lot for work overseas and each time he leaves I find myself slipping into major depression, instead of seeing it as an adult, that he is working hard to provide for his family, that he will be home again soon, I find myself collapsing and all the old feelings of abandonment, neglect and rejection re surface .
Collapsing causes the internal flame to waiver and splutter.  One can rehash all the past horrors, recall all the name throwing, the violence, the abuse, but that won't keep the flame burning bright and strong.

What will, is the tender or the keeper of that flame.  The mother, the internal mother not an external mother.  If your external mother, as mine had done and my foster mother, failed you chances are if she has failed you once she is not going to change to fulfill you now!

So, we have to grow an internal mother, and if things had happened, as they should have, properly when you were a child, your internal mother would be all grown within you already.
But, as it is, she is probably a very young mother, who doesn't know quite what to do, just like a first time young mum.

I have been told a psychic  secret, " In order to grow the internal mother you have to be willing to be decent and good to yourself."

The more you are willing to accept self love and self respect, not just whether you are tall or short, thin or fat, have a large nose or sticky out ears and standuppy hair, it has nothing to do with any of that.  It has to do with caring, a genuine caring about the things that you are. That is what develops the internal mother, when you are willing to accept your own self love, regard and respect for yourself.

Many woman who have this tragic sense of being un-mothered is a remnant or sometimes a memory as close as yesterday often feel they are searching for love. They feel that if they were just loved enough everything would be so much better.
Oh how I know this feeling, the nights that I have stood outside in the darkness yelling at the stars, the moon, the universe, "Please, just send someone to love me enough to make it all go away and to make me feel whole again".

This is not the case!!! You can have love till its coming out your ears and it won't work and the reason is what children need is NOT  a slavish love, a, " I love you, I love you" whatever you do I love you" kind of love.
To do that to a child is to make them into a little beast who thinks the world revolves around them and so, even though we think this is what we need and want it won't keep that flame from wavering.


What will, is to have GUIDANCE, the guidance of intuition, consciousness, common sense.
Consciously knowing what were made of, capable of, what our good points are, what our bad points are and guiding ourselves through life with that knowledge.


If you were an un-mothered child that is what was missing in your upbringing.  GUIDANCE.
No matter what has happened to you, that light still lives inside of you.  The internal mother then loves by guidance; loves by bringing consciousness out of the darkness.

When we are young children we have to  confront some of the darker sides of human nature.  In a normal family that is supposed to come from OUTSIDE the family, the biting, the pulling of hair, the not sharing, we experience when at play school however in families were things go wrong, the biting, the hitting, the name calling is right INSIDE the home.  Whether it be the mother/father or one or the other doing the hurting a child never really learns about light and guidance;  instead DEFENSIVENESS which serves them much later on in life as adults.

They become highly intuitive because they have suffered so much they have developed radar to know when the next kick or hit is coming from, and so as adults they are very, very alert and often uncannily so and they can often tell good and bad things about people.  However the only problem is they often override their intuition, for the need to be loved.

Neglect is a totally different kind of feeling in a child, if it is ongoing and long enough they become despairing, melancholic.  Neglect is when a mother doesn't pay attention to her child's needs.
For example a mother feeding her baby a bottle without holding it close to her, cuddling it, ensuring her baby feels protected,  or containing her baby but prop feeds whilst her baby hangs off her lap.

Once a child has been misused all kinds of negative and dark thoughts have been interjected into their psych, like a hypodermic needle filled with junk, thoughts, feelings that are introduced into your body without your permission but quickly and somewhat unconsciously, and they become part of you and take over just like a chemical. It makes you feel and act certain ways that are not necessary part of your conscious volition.  These thoughts in the psych are threatened by light, they are anti health and you can be loved all you want but still have negative dark thoughts about yourself however, when you receive TRUE GUIDANCE  where you either set your mind to giving yourself good guidance or you receive it from outside from someone you trust you begin to incorporate that into you psych and it is then very hard for those dark thoughts to continue.  Often when we start thinking about the past and  we seem to do this when we have dark thoughts and can't see our way clear through the darkness we slip and slide all over the place.

Intuition the "Oh Aahah" is the time to do inner work when you feel good rather than when you are feeling awful and dark.



  1. Amazing post Melanie! I am rendered emotional after reading it. I am going to read it through again.....

  2. I love Clarissa Pinkola Estes CD 'warming the stone child'. She is such a wise woman.

  3. Thank You sooo much for touching me where I am !

  4. Hi Melanie

    Thank you for sharing your inner-most personal thoughts and feelings. What a journey you've been on, and will continue. There's so much I could say, but I'll say just this for now:

    When you think you should see things, and respond, like an "adult", and your "inner mother", just take a brief look at what your inner child says, instead.

    Thank you for connecting with me today. I appreciate you.

  5. Thank you for the courage and the gift of putting into words a mirrored experience, it caught me by surprise and I welled up and it poured out but I now see that the not a mirage. Words cannot thank you enough, you are greatly appreciated and I would give you the biggest hug of your life if it were not for the fact that I live in the UK. Katie x((HUG))x

  6. Melanie, I just want to say that you have made me see things in a different light. Thank you for sharing!!!!

  7. thanks for not being afraid to share this, it feels so good to know someone else has had similar experiences. I have to protect my self and not see my mother often but i keep going back like a moth to a light and keep getting burned and then i experience what you describe as collapsing... and its just happened again! It always happens when I feel I need some extra support and guidance and I forget that she is rarely capable of an encouraging or nurturing word. I get so upset,I dont like to keep bothering friends and partner with it because its such a strange situation to me but reading this has made me feel a ton better! Thanks so much xxx

  8. The internal mother you are sharing now mirrored to me who I am during that moment of self awakening. I am blessed that my mom were given a chance to repay her negligence and rekindle our relationship when I myself become a mother. SELF LOVE and SELF RESPECT only happens when we are faced with our own goodness and worth as a person. It was only through love and kindness of others that we can learned how to love ourselves fully. And It is only in forgiving that we can also be healed of our own hurts! A new SISTER of you, here in the Philippines, Melanie!

  9. This IS on my way to WAS ME!!! Thank you so much for this blog, to bad I had to wait 52 years to find it! LUV the writing!! THANK YOU Melanie!!

  10. I was abused & felt unloved by my Mother as a child & still as an adult (she went as far as saying to me at my Sister's Funeral "I wish it was YOU who DIED"). My mother does NOT exist in MY Life any more! Then there is my 1st Husband who Physically abused me, but I stayed because I wanted to FEEL LOVED! That never happened either! Now we come to my current marriage, I thought I had the PERFECT MAN! Mr. Perfect has been cheating on me for years & he treats ME like I'm the one who has done WRONG! I stayed because I wanted to FEEL LOVED! Since finding out about him cheating 6 months ago (yes that's right I was so BLIND I never saw it) he has treated me worse & worse by the day! Why am I still here? the need to FEEL LOVED! After reading your story I saw myself in there & REALIZED I'M NOT FEELING LOVED!

  11. I've come back to read this again after a year or something because I've been struggling and feeling bad about myself. Thanks again wonderful lady for being someone who knows, who is like me. There is hope for all of us

  12. This is very helpful for me right now. Twenty feet from our window our landlord/neighbor, who hates cats, has trapped one of the small feral kittens we've been caring for since their mother brought them to our door for help. Our landlord agreed to give us a week to find a way to keep them together then arbitrarily trapped one.

    DH is over there now, trying to get the poor thing released. As it turns around and around in its cage its mother and sibs stand guard. Mother gave it a piece of meat through the cage. That gesture, primed by the dis-ease of the trapping, triggered exactly the phenomenon you describe so well. With all their challenging circumstances, mother being skin and bones no matter how much we feed (she gives the kittens everything) they have mothering. This man who advertises his masculinity by his hatred of cats refuses to see the family he's brutalizing.

    I never knew any such moments with my mother, only violence...the unknowing, unseeing violence of this "man." They are the same generation so maybe things are getting better. Why aren't parents licensed? And landlords? : )