Saturday, July 31, 2010


When you are hurting deeply you RESOLVE to never do this or that again.  " I will never trust again" "I will never let myself love again", " I will never fail again"
You resolve, vow to always be a certain way after certain things have happened in your life and affected you deeply.
In essence this resolve is to protect yourself, shroud yourself so that nothing can penetrate and cause you to feel the hurt all over again.
You resolve to always be ahead of the pain which seems to be lurking in the background, waiting to jump out at you in the darkness when you least expect it and say "BOO"
Your emotional sobriety depends on the firmness and steadfastness of these resolves.
You let nothing in and you let nothing out, instead you focus on never being taken off guard again, to never lose the race and NEVER lose your resolve. If you should for just one moment, "unresolve" you become vulnerable, open for rejection, abandonment, isolation and loneliness.
Yet, obscurely the very things you so safely guard become your constant companions,  For when you abandon love, you deprive yourself of others and what they can give to you; and then you truly are alone in your loneliness.

To resolve is the rising agent to hardness, bitterness, anger and hostility, sharpness and abruptness, attack becoming your best form of defense.  A  "Just in case" mentality, you are always on guard and become defensive, assuming and critical. When we criticize we are actually making the other person look worse off so that we can feel better about ourselves.  We blame others and in reality all we are doing is giving them the control by blaming.

Beneath the resolve is a child wanting to be loved, waiting to be loved, to feel nurtured and special, important and wanted.  Crying out to belong, yet, we trade security for predictability, we give away our self for something that we think we can't create for ourselves as a woman.

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