There is nothing more frustrating than someone telling you that you should not feel something when you are feeling it!
Don't they realize anyway it's too late now you are already in the midst of feeling it.
Whatever the emotion you are experiencing at the time, someone "shoulding" on you usually does not help you get out of it.
"You really shouldn't be feeling like this you know, look around you, you have so much to be thankful for ".
"you really should try and snap out of this depression it is not good for you"
(well we know that!)
"you really should stop worring, it isn't going to change anything".
"you really ought (another one for should!) to see someone about these feelings of yours, they are not healthy".
"you really should try and pull yourself together, snap out of it"
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ........................ When we hear this being said to us or we are guilty of saying it to someone else, WE ARE NOT HONORING OTHERS, OR THIER FEELINGS.
Others shoulding at you, usually does not help you get out of it, as a matter of fact, just hearing what you should not do will either push you deeper into the feeling or make you feel guilty or ashamed.
GUILT implies there is something WRONG with what you are doing. SHAME implies that there is something wrong with you because of what you are doing.
WE HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL WHATEVER WE FEEL.
Unpleasant or negative emotions are merely expressions. They let us know that there is something in ourselves or our lives that is not being expressed at the highest possible level.
Since most of us and I know I have in a big way been shamed or made to feel guilty about what we feel when we feel it, WE HAVE BECOME AFRAID OF OUR FEELINGS.
For myself, some of the most damaging experiences of my childhood stem from being told I was wrong or being punished for expressing what I was feeling. " Shut up! Don't cry! It doesn't hurt!"
Such comments told me what I was feeling was not real or important.
"Don't touch that!" said that natural inquisitiveness was not a good thing. " Don't say that! It's not nice!" translated into the SUPPRESSION OF EMOTIONS AND SELF DOUBT.
Emotions, or feelings, as we call them, are the energies that move us in response to our thoughts and experiences. All emotions are NEUTRAL. They have no meaning other than the meanings we assign to them. An emotion is like a burst of energy that quickly circulates through the mind and body, indicating that there is an imbalance of energy that needs to be brought into balance.
In my exploring and reading on emotions, trauma etc I have discovered that "when a thought or experience impacts the conscious mind, the energy begins to move throughout the mind and body, attaching itself to every like energy that already exists".
This means that if a thought or experience evokes anger in you today, it will find and attach itself to every thought or experience that ever caused you to feel the same way. Whether your first experience was at age three or five or sixteen does not matter. The energy of the experience remains in your subconscious mind. Fear, shame, guilt, love, joy, peace, all operate in the same way.
Consequently the things that evoke emotion from you today are expressions of the same things that evoked these emotions the first time you experience them!!!
This theory leads many psychologist to say that you are never frightened, angry, guilty, or ashamed for the reason you think you are. The reason presenting itself before you today is the most recent experience, the last straw, so to speak.
What goes on in our lives and the experience that we have at any given moment is rarely the issue. We are responding to meanings and judgements we attach to the experiences, and it is our judgements that create imbalances in our mental and emotional energy. When you add this to the influences of the world that tell us that what we are feeling is wrong, the result is INNER CONFLICT.
CONFLICT MAKES US BEAT UP ON OURSELVES.
Like attracts like. Conflict in our mind and emotional nature attracts conflict from the world around us.
THE NORMAL HUMAN RESPONSE TO CONFLICT IS BLAME.
and I have a saying ' WHOEVER YOU BLAME YOU GIVE CONTROL TOO!!!!!
We look for and point to those people and experiences that have given rise to the imbalance of energy, the emotion we are experiencing. It is then that we find ourselves embroiled in FEAR, ANGER, MORE CONFLICT, AND THE INABILITY TO EXPRESS WHAT WE FEEL.
In the worst-case scenario, we express what we feel in inappropriate ways such as violently striking out, screaming, or cursing, throwing objects, kicking the cat, hitting a loved one....
You have a right to your thoughts and feelings. You also have a right to act in response to what you think and what you feel. YOUR ACTIONS ARE A REFLECTION OF WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU BELIEVE TO BE TRUE ABOUT YOURSELF.
REMEMBER: Thought + Word + Action = Results.
There are predetermined boundaries that we are expected to adhere to, and it is our attempt to stay within these boundaries that creates conflict in our emotional being.
Kids hate boundaries, you put a baby in a play pen and all they want to do is climb out!
BUT BOUNDARIES ARE NECESSARY TO KEEP US SAFE.
( I will do a separate blog posting on BOUNDARIES because this is an area in my own life that I need to continuously look at and re-valuate. Remind me!!)
Boundaries are not only for your own protection but for the protection of others. They do not determine the validity of what you are experiencing. YOUR FEELINGS ARE ALWAYS VALID.
The challenge we face is to understand what we are feeling and to de-charge or neutralize it, thereby making it possible to express the feeling in a way that is good for everyone concerned.
When you angry, you are angry. When you are afraid, you are afraid. When you are sad, you are sad. When you are depressed, you are depressed. What we each need to learn to do is root out the cause in order to bring our mental, emotional and spiritual energies back into balance.
This requires having the courage to examine and explore our inner conflict. It demands patience with self and others. Most importantly' it requires the willingness to go back in order to go forward.
I am not trying to suggest here that if you mate, child, or someone at work does or says something that makes you angry, you should stop, rewind your mental tapes, identify when and how you first experienced anger, and try to express that feeling at this time. LOL
What I am suggesting is that you don't deny what you feel. Just keep in the back of your mind that it will pass, and elevate what you feel to the highest possible expression. Feel what you are feeling, when you feel it, and admit to yourself and, if possible and appropriate, to the other person that you are feeling it. You are always in control. The moment you experience a burst of emotionally charge energy, suspend all judgement of yourself for feeling whatever it is and ride it out.
Trust yourself enough to know that you can feel anything and recover from it. Know that because you are feeling something does not mean you must act on it at the moment you are feeling it. Stay with it long enough to de-charge it!
This is not easy, it will take practice, a conscious effort and hard work on your part every day.
I try to breath deeply through it, when I can I like to write down what I am thinking and feeling and then destroy the piece of paper with all the fervor I can muster!
Above all else, for the first thirty to sixty seconds of the experience, please practice KYBYS (pronounced "kib-biss") KEEP YOUR BIG YAP SHUT!
During this time, ask yourself as you refocus "what is the real issue here?" in that time or even less you will know exactly what to do. Later when you are on your own, you can practice some of the things outlined in this blog that you may find helpful.
YOU WILL NOT FALL APART, (TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!) YOU CAN MOVE THROUGH ANY SITUATION WITH YOUR DIGNITY AND SELF-RESPECT. JUST REMEMBER TO KEEP YOUR BIG MOUTH SHUT FOR SIXTY SECONDS!!!!!
There are no quick fixes, instant shakes for instant weight loss, for emotional imbalances that require healing. I know I have looked for them far and wide, prayed for them, begged for them, but there really just aren't any. HEALING IS AN ONGOING PROCESS it never ends, it is like an onion, layer upon layer and each layer is different and deeper.
HOWEVER....there will be moments when we must do something to provide ourselves with temporary relief and release from negative experiences and emotions.
This is offered as a process not as a quick fix by which you can find temporary relief from the experience of negative emotion. It does mean you must be willing to tell the truth and not pass judgement on yourself or anyone else because of the temporary experience of a negative thought or emotion. It also means that you must make the commitment to take this process to a deeper level and heal your emotional being. By doing the following you may find it easier to move through the experience without hurting yourself or anyone else.
I WILL POST THIS TOMORROW......SPEND SOME TIME FIRST, PROCESSING WHAT WE HAVE SHARED TODAY AND WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL THOSE EMOTIONS THAT YOU STRUGGLE WITH THE MOST.
YOU MAY NEED TO RE-READ AND EVEN RE-READ THIS BLOG TO REALLY SATURATE YOURSELF AND FULLY UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TRYING TO IMPART.
Please feel free to share how you feel if you feel safe to do so.
Until tomorrow xxxx