OUT OF THE BLUE....

I have had a niggling voice whispering in my heart for days now, to share this with you.
 Im not sure why? because in doing so I make myself vulnerable,  this is always a risk, but one I am prepared to take if it will resonate with someone else.

I wrote this in the waiting room of the courts.

" The face of injustice rages red with fury. The feelings of misunderstanding surge through me tumultuously leaving me gasping helplessly with frustration and unvented anger;  not only at myself but toward the whole universe.
   Unanswered questions race through my mind, I find myself silently screaming till my throat is raw and hoarse, my fists are clenched, my nails embedded in the soft flesh of my palms as though the physical pain I self-inflict will outweigh the inner pain I feel inside.

   "You've take and taken so much - what more do you want?" my brain yells, "what more do I have to give?"
It's not fair, when is it my turn to receive?  I don't believe anymore that the God the good christians talk about, the God I believed in for so long is really interested in giving to me;  I conclude.
I resolve.......I will take, however I must, to get what I want, need, to survive because no one is going to give me anything without a price tag attached and I have paid far too much already.

Yet, in taking without paying the price I inevitably pay in humiliation and shame.  But, I am aquatinted with these feelings, they have shrouded me over the years, clinging to me more closely than my own skin.  I allow these feelings to fall over me all over again.  They are familiar, I feel comfortable with them, like a pair of worn old slippers.  This feeling of being deprived and robbed.  Always the victim!

I sit in room three waiting for my name to be called out.  I am surrounded by petty crime, faces contorted with fear, shame, rage, and guilt.
My crime, theft.  Miniscule in relation to what has been stolen from me.  My dignity, my self-worth, my self-confidence, my youth, my virginity, my passion, my home, my parents, my family.........
Yet, not one of those incidents have stood trial, not one of those people who so recklessly stole from me have been held accountable and now I find myself at the mercy of the court.
I roar loudly in the pit of my gut at the fucking injustice of this universe".

I think we are all guilty in some way or another of stealing, whether it be an actual thing, as mine was, or of someone's time.  We steal and rob others of their self- worth and self-confidence when we speak words that are destructive and critical.  We steal and rob from ourselves daily when we berate ourselves when we give a little of ourselves away bit by bit just to be loved.

When we were little many of us stole, a  sweet from a shop or a few pennies from our mothers purse, I know I did.  At the time is gave me a sense of achievement, power in the knowing that I had got away with it.  For some, this leads onto a life of crime, the more they steal, the more they get away with and the more empowered they feel. It becomes addictive, the adrenalin of the steal is like a drug and they seek bigger plunders to pillage until they get caught.

I got caught, I stole a hair color from a shop, I knew I shouldn't have and this was years and years ago.
My mentality was all wrong, I felt deprived, always taken from and never given too. It is no excuse for my action though, however my belief system edged me on, it was inevitable.
It was during a time that I was struggling with severe depression and I felt awful about myself.  I thought that if I looked good I would feel better about who I was.  This was the lie, I needed to change my perception, my beliefs from  "I am not deserving" to "I am deserving"
Having had soooo much taken from me as a child I continuously felt robbed and really started to feel that it was time I took matters into my own hands and took, besides no one was giving it to me.

This is certainly something I am not proud of, and loath to share, but I needed to go through the self-inflicted trauma of it, the prosecution, take my fine, pay my debt and take a real hard look at me and resolve to change the picture.

It takes courage to face our demons, our fears, to face the shame and kick humiliation out the door.
In seeking the light, I exposed the darkness and it no longer had a hold over me.
Stealing is something that never crosses my mind now, I don't feel deprived, because I have learnt, or rather I am learning to give to myself and not wait for others to give to me.  This is my responsibility, my challenge, to seek new ways daily of spoiling myself, meeting my needs, in creative and good healthy ways.

I hope that in sharing this, despite the risk of putting myself on the line here, it has helped at least one person to face themselves with truth.

Love Melanie xx